A mom’s guilt

First long day back at childcare after two whole months of Covid 19 voluntary isolation.

The morning was beautiful. Mommy and son played a little bit; He was expecting the usual Peppa Pig and mom would pop him on the chair and try and feed pieces of bread, perhaps an egg. He was running around the house, talking and playing in his own very loud World and searching for his toys.

He was actually happy to see mommy prepare the usual red bag. Perhaps he was expecting mommy to take him to the usual trip to the beach or the mall…

He laughed and screamed to see his child care, possibly thinking what a nice day he had yesterday when he came for a visit.

I don’t think he was expecting it. That mommy would drop him at the centre, only a few kids were there, unlike yesterday. And he was hungry too…

The only comfort is: I’m helping him built resilience, toughening him up in a world that is bound to give him dissappointments. I’m teaching him to be happy with the present. Yes, he had been with me straight for the past two months – but last few weeks I could see him getting bored and I started slacking on my discipline. We’ve been forced to hand over the mobile phone to keep him busy just so we could quickly get some home chores done , or complete the work task, or finish off the meeting. Or eat without worrying where he went. At one point we even gave him to play with the phone while we watched a movie in two months. Are we bad parents ? I don’t know, but I’m no superman.

Parenting is hard. Very hard. There is no right or wrong because they will grow up and have their own personality and choose their own right and wrong which may or may not match with your own expectations. Tomorrow Zayyan might turn around and tell me that I was being selfish sending him to child care and gave my career more importance than him. Or he might actually understand that sending him to childcare is part of his journey with me to learn about life and be prepared for anything that comes.

I can keep him home, let him dig his nose under the phone, avoid disciplining him and give into to his tantrums or get frustrated that he’s not eating and scream at him. But I choose to be apart from him to give him the opportunity to learn to survive without mommy and teach myself to be a stronger mom.

As for love – has anyone been able to measure how much a stay at home mom loves their kid more than a workplace mom ?

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