“Wow!”…”Wow! Maya! How’ve you been?”
A petit girl with beautiful dimples exclaimed at the sight of Maya. She immediately added without waiting for an answer.
“You look happy!”
Maya glanced at the reflection looking back at her. Head held high. She thought to herself. Thats the mantra she said to herself, everytime a teensy bit of doubt arose within her. Humility was a bit too much in Maya. Sometimes she wondered whether that was her biggest weakness. Head held high. She told herself before those horrendous self doubt thoughts began clouding her head again.
After catching up with an old colleague, who was a witness to her sad-broken past, she decided to unblock her mind to some thoughts. Thoughts she did not think about in her conscious, thoughts she’d “block” when they appeared in her mind. Thoughts, she considered a luxury to think about and indulge in self-pity. But sometimes it was important to let those thoughts in. Let the emotions flow, let self doubt bring the dark clouds in – only for a while – and then let it rain , let the tears flow – only for a while.
The interesting fact was, he always said in a chiding tone, if they ever seperated, she’d be the first one to move on. She wondered if it was true.
Sitting with her knees embraced on the sandy beach, her skin gave goosebumps. She was unsure if that was the wind or her own feelings. It was six months since she moved out of his house.
As she watched the waves crashed on the shores, she felt her insides churn the same way. She let her thoughts run wild, she wished that it was her mistake and she’d go running back to him. But it wasn’t. She wished he’d admit his mistake and want her to come back. But, that would never happen. She has seen too much of him to have that expectation. No matter how much she loved him she could no longer trust sleeping next to him. What if she never woke up? She felt he was capable of hurting her in his bad temper. She did not know whether he’d do it purposely or by accident? She just didn’t know how to trust him anymore. She thought of the sleepness nights next to him. Now she slept like a baby, despite the empty bedside. She recalled the day she found strength to take a step.
They were at visiting Nanna. His expression and posture was of the usual dislike and animosity. She knew he did not like coming, but she was the only family Nanna had left. So she put up with his unacceptable behaviour.
Nanna noticed this and asked him if everything was okay. They both said yes in unison, but Nanna pried. The wise old lady knew better.
He stood up abruptly, towering over the two meek women and boomed,
“That is none of your business!”
Nanna gasped hard. The 70 year old could not withstand his bark. He turned and slammed the door shut, while Nanna sat there gasping for breath.
Nanna passed away.
She didn’t go back home. Nor did he call her to find out where she was. She no longer felt safe with him. This fact she realised that day. That explained her sleepless nights. She did not want to get him upset because of fear of his anger, not because she loved him. She put up with his demands and blackmails because she didn’t feel safe to disagree. She thought she didn’t have a place to go.
To be continued…